-- thanks to Sheryl Reeder and Moroni Leash for sharing these
I'm aging out of my Mormon singles ward and I feel like a failure
By Angela Trusty, For the Deseret News
Published: Tuesday, Nov. 12 2013 8:45 a.m. MST
Dear Angela,
In the next month
I'll be leaving my singles ward for a family ward. I'm turning 31 and
officially "aging out" of my current congregation. I'm writing because I
really feel like a failure. I had more than a decade to get married and
"graduate" properly from my singles ward and with only a few dates and
lots of awkward social activities, it just didn't happen for me. I'm
developing a really negative attitude about religion in general and I
know that it stems from being single in a church full of married people
but knowing that doesn't change my feelings. How can I keep going to
church when I feel so bad about all of this relationship stuff and it
seems to be exacerbated when I'm there?
Make sense?
Aged out guy
Dear Aged out guy,
I can really empathize with how you're feeling, I think a lot of people can.
We had a Sunday
meeting a few weeks ago where a speaker said to our LDS Church singles
congregation, "The only thing you need to be focusing on is marriage and
getting married." Right after he said that my friend leaned over to me
and half-jokingly said, "What about Jesus Christ?" We both kind of
chuckled, but then I thought about that all day. How much of our single
person focus should be directed towards getting married? And just like
you've described above, what happens when and if that focus starts to
make you feel bad?
I don't know the
full answer but I can think of a few ingredients: perspective, patience,
hope, testimony — to name a few. These are thoughts and studies that
have helped me when I feel overwhelmed with feelings of not having
something, whatever that something may be.
What I do know,
however, is that you aren't a failure just because you haven’t gotten
married within a short and specific time period. In fact, as Elder
Jeffrey R. Holland pointed out, “The Prophet Joseph Smith once declared
that all things ‘which pertain to our religion are only appendages’ to
the Atonement of Jesus Christ.”
Focusing on the reality of a Savior and making Sunday
worship about strengthening your relationship with him can begin to
soothe whatever ails you. I would start there, I know this isn’t a
perfect answer but I hope it helps.
Love,
Angela
Readers: What
would you add to the discussion above? How have you made moving from a
singles ward to a family ward a positive experience?
---
READER COMMENTS (at least the better ones! I did pull a few :)
SLC, UT
From the
words of a song, "Don't give up. You are loved." Finding love and
marriage after 31+ does happen. In the meantime, continue to work on
your relationship with the Lord. He is always there. In the words of
another song, "He will not fail you."
7:30 a.m. Nov. 12, 2013
Like (3)
joe5
South Jordan, UT
Great advice from Angela: "Focusing on the reality of a Savior and making Sunday
worship about strengthening your relationship with him can begin to
soothe whatever ails you. I would start there, I know this isn’t a
perfect answer but I hope it helps."
I'm not sure why
I'm even posting since Angela provided the answer. Your current martial
status is not the issue. Your relationship with Christ is the issue. I
don't mean that to sound judgmental. What I'm trying to say is that you
have followed the straight and narrow path and clung to the iron rod
until you were able to partake of the tree. Now that you are there,
NEVER LEAVE THE TREE. And the tree is Christ.
Joseph Smith
taught that, in order to have faith sufficient for salvation, we must
have faith in the justice of God (among other characteristics).
Believing in the justice of God means we believe he will ultimately make
all things right. It may take a lifetime or more but I believe that
applies to each of us as individuals.
Be faithful and cast your burden on Him. That will give you peace.
9:22 a.m. Nov. 12, 2013
Like (4)
elsmere241
Elsmere, DE
I married at
31 myself. I fled a student singles ward masquerading as a YSA ward when
I was 26. And in the next three years I lived in two other wards in
that stake. I was membership clerk in both of them, so clearly I wasn't
considered a "lesser member" there. But I heard plenty of biting
comments along the way - some members even implied I was gay, or wasn't
"doing my duty". The time between mission and marriage for me seemed
like ten years in the proverbial wilderness.
9:28 a.m. Nov. 12, 2013
Like (2)
nmjim
SANDIA PARK, NM
It IS
difficult to feel at home and welcome in a church that seems full of
smiling married folks... but you need to remember: Of the adult
membership of the Church, a MAJORITY are single. Often few of them come
to Church regularly, for obvious reasons. I encourage you to be actively
involved in both your family ward where you live AND with the Single
Adult groups in your area. If they are not well organized, YOU can
become a 'spark plug' to shake things up and make them more fun and
interesting. If YOU attend all available Single Adult activities, and
you are not a control freak, as a single male you will help others to
participate.
Every ward and branch have adult singles both visible
and invisible. YOU are not the only one, and if you do your best you
will obtain the best, both in your love life and otherwise.
9:35 a.m. Nov. 12, 2013
Like (3)
Lindsayp
San Diego, CA
The moment
that I decided to stop looking for a partner, is when I found my
husband, we married at the age of 33. I would look for activities for
singles in your community with things you like to do, examples are
hiking groups, biking groups, walking groups, reading groups, etc. I am
not sure what you like to do, so you just have to google that. Leave it
in Gods hands, He has a plan for you and sometimes His plans take longer
than what we would like.
10:05 a.m. Nov. 12, 2013
Like (3)
caf
Bountiful, UT
We have heard
so very many times over the pulpit during General Conference that those
who are single, who have not had the opportunity to marry in this
life*, will not have the blessings of marriage and family withheld in
the next life. *Now for the asterisk, living a Christ-centered life,
making and KEEPING covenants, and striving to become your best self is
required. Those of us who have married but are not living as we should,
unless we repent, will not have the ultimate blessings of the Gospel for
eternity. We are all in the same boat for our personal salvation
although the size, shape, and speed of the boat is unique to our
circumstances. But ALL of us can journey with the Lord if we choose to.
10:27 a.m. Nov. 12, 2013
Like (2)
christinemb
Washington, DC
Coming from
similar experiences, with what felt like hundreds of talks saying that
the only thing I needed to focus on was getting married (really bad
advice), I sympathize with "Aged out guy".
When I transitioned out
of a singles ward, I was ready to be in a ward where my marital status
wasn't the focus. I moved out of Utah, found a small family ward I felt
was a good fit and have been happy ever since. Side note, quite a few
marriages happened among singles in my ward.
Not everyone finds their
true love in a singles ward. Many do, but the reality today is that a
majority of LDS singles will "age out" of singles wards, and join family
or single adult focused wards. It's happening more and more, and the
church recognizes it.
From one single to another, try to cut
yourself some slack. Remember, some things happen on the Lord's
timeline. It doesn't
mean you're a failure, just that it hasn't happened yet. Please try to
get involved with your ward and stake activities single or not. Live
your life, choose happiness, and you will attract someone like minded.
10:31 a.m. Nov. 12, 2013
Like (3)
Lasvegaspam
Henderson, NV
"The Church
is designed to nourish the imperfect, the struggling, and the exhausted.
It is filled with people who desire with all their heart to keep the
commandments, even if they haven't mastered them yet. Some might say, 'I
know a member of your Church who is a hypocrite. I could never join a
church that had someone like him as a member.' If you define hypocrite
as someone who fails to live up perfectly to what he or she believes,
then we are all hypocrites. None of us is quite as Christlike as we know
we should be. But we earnestly desire to overcome our faults and the
tendency to sin. With our heart and soul we yearn to become better with
the help of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. If these are your desires,
then regardless of your circumstances, your personal history, or the
strength of your testimony, there is room for you in this Church. Come,
join with
us!" - President Dieter F. Uchtdorf
It is all about our Savior. I encourage you to move forward with these thoughts in mind. Much love to you, my brother.
10:40 a.m. Nov. 12, 2013
Like (3)
bek1106
SLC, UT
Just have a
little faith. When I aged out of the YSA ward I went to the family ward
and it was the best experience. I was called as RS President, I was
always treated with the upmost respect and they loved me. My testimony
was strengthened in the Savior and after the singles ward it was what I
needed, a renewed focus on the Savior and an opportunity to forget
myself. In the midst of this service (and not even looking) I met my
husband-- in the family ward. When I left the singles ward I felt much
of the same things but I knew that Heavenly Father had a plan for me and
I needed to trust him..."aging out" was the best thing that ever
happened to me.
10:45 a.m. Nov. 12, 2013
Like (4)
BYU Fan in DC
Washington, DC
From someone
who aged out, I suggest attending a family ward where you are needed and
getting involved in your calling as much as you can. Singles ward
callings are often superficial and do not require that much work.
However, family wards need more heavy-lifting especially with programs
for youth, young children, new members, etc.
If you attend a
family ward and get a meaningful calling like I did, you may still
attend singles events. The best part, people will not know who you all
that well, but may remember you from when you attended there ward. And
when they learn that you go to a family ward and have some cool calling
with primary, youth, etc... they will be interested. Personally, being
mysterious to the opposite sex can often lead to the right girl or guy
being interested.
11:04 a.m. Nov. 12, 2013
Like (2)
UtahMountains
Provo, UT
As a
33-year-old single, I get it. I get the feeling of not fitting into a
family ward, and the awkward pauses when you try to have a conversation
about something other than raising children. While I can't speak for
Aged Out Guy, I can speak for myself and some things I have learned from
my own experience:
1. Understand that God has an individual plan for
you, and this plan probably won't look like someone else's plan. It's
okay if it doesn't look the same as others' plans. If you feel like
you're doing what you can to further your own salvation, you're in the
right place--even if it isn't what you or others see as the ideal
situation.
2. Find a niche in your ward. I found my place in Primary to be a great blessing. Children are so loving and nonjudgmental.
3. Know that God loves you, and that His love is individual. If you seek God's guidance, He will
lead you to where you can perform His work. Everything else will fall into place, regardless of marital status.
11:10 a.m. Nov. 12, 2013
Like (2)
Susan in VA
Alexandria, VA
When we first
joined the Church my daughter was in her early 20s and she hated the
singles ward for just that reason. Rather than leave the Church, which
she truly believed in, she joined our family ward.... and she did marry.
She hated that the central theme in the singles ward was "match making"
and she wanted to concentrate on the Gospel. Aged out Guy may actually
be happier in a family ward and find the love of his life because of it.
11:13 a.m. Nov. 12, 2013
Like (4)
RBN
Salt Lake City, UT
We love the
singles in our ward. They make such a great contribution, and are
absolutely vital to our ward family. I know that it's hard to be an
older single (I was one, too), but the opportunities to serve and love
are expanded in a non-YSA ward. Serving and loving bring us closer to
God, and bring us happiness. BTW, most non-YSA wards are filled with
beautiful, intelligent, and engaging single women. Ours is.
11:32 a.m. Nov. 12, 2013
Like (2)
--
Mormon
midsingles - singles ages 31 to 45 - are a new and growing demographic
in the Church, with a new and unique set of circumstances, challenges,
and needs. They no longer fit in the traditional singles ward, but
family wards can be difficult, too. What is a midsingle to do?
“The thing about
the midsingles program,” says Bishop Steve Lang, “is that these people,
our friends, our brothers and sisters, they go to church, they go on
missions, they keep themselves worthy, unbelievably so. They do
everything they are supposed to do, and they are in this crazy world
with all this temptation around them. But once they hit 31, if they
haven’t been able to find their mate, then [they’re asked to leave]
their [singles] ward.”
And, he says, leaving their ward can often be a very painful process for singles, many of whom feel ostracized.
Adam Loughran is
the bishop of the Huntington Beach 1st Ward, a magnet ward (a family
ward for midsingles), and he says that from a cultural standpoint, the
strong focus on families can make it difficult and uncomfortable for
many midsingles who haven‘t been able to reach that goal, often driving
them away.
The State of the Single Life
Matt
Campbell is the regional representative for the Orange County
singles/midsingles committee, which comprises 16 stakes in Orange
County. Many single members, upon turning 31 and having to leave their
young single adult ward, go inactive by the time they are 34, he says.
“In each stake [in Orange County] there are on average 250–600
thirty-something midsingles, yet only a handful are active, often
sitting alone in a family ward.”
Because
midsingles make up those ages 31 to 45 who have never been married, in
addition to those who are divorced and widowed, as much as Church
leaders are anxious to help, there isn’t really a clear-cut answer.
Typically, midsingles have three options following graduation from a YSA
ward: a family ward, midsingles ward, or the latest buzz word, the
magnet ward.
The Family Ward
For
Farrah Walker of Los Angeles, she landed in a family ward because it
happened to meet across the street from her place of employment.
Unfortunately, she felt so uncomfortable, she didn’t want to return.
“People would ask me why I was there. ‘Don’t you know there’s a singles
ward?’ they would say. After a few weeks of this, I just couldn’t bring
myself to go in anymore. I would drive to church and then just sit in
the parking lot.”
But Walker didn’t
give up, and the next time around things went better. “I love my family
ward now,” she says. The difference? “People connect with me based on
common interests and ideas, they treat me like anyone else, rather than
focusing on my marital status. It’s ‘I loved your comment in Relief
Society,’ not, ‘Hey, why aren’t you in the singles ward?’’
The Midsingles Ward
Option
number two for a graduating single is a midsingles ward, the same thing
as a regular singles ward but for those aged 31–45. For Rod Rex of Salt
Lake City, this was the logical choice when he turned 31. But after
going to the three-hour block, he vowed never to return. “I was the
baby. I had just turned 31 and I was surrounded by so many people who
had been married before and were much older than I was. I just didn’t
feel comfortable.”
For others, it’s
not the age that’s the problem, but their children: they’re not allowed.
For those who do have children, it’s difficult to make arrangements to
attend one ward themselves while their children attend a regular family
ward.
The Magnet Ward
A
magnet ward is a family ward that all the midsingles in the stake
congregate to, so they not only have the opportunity to be with other
midsingles, but they are also integrated into the ward by having family
ward callings, which helps keep a family perspective in a
non-threatening way. The only difference in their Sunday schedule is a Sunday
school class twice a month just for midsingles, so they can connect.
Other than that, they are treated just like everyone else, and that’s
the way they like it.
“There’s that
sense of belonging and being needed and wanted,” says Loughran. “Every
week I hear the same thing: ‘Bishop, if it wasn’t for this ward, I don’t
know if I’d be an active member.’”
Now, eight years later, there are 18 magnet wards in the country and counting.
Because of their growing popularity, Campbell put together a website,
midsingles.wordpress.com,
to explain how to create a magnet ward, discuss frequently asked
questions, and list current Facebook groups and midsingles activities.
Connecting Beyond the Ward
In
places where a magnet or midsingles ward may not be possible—or for
those who want a little extra help—hope is not lost for midsingles who
are looking for other ways to connect. With the onslaught of social
media, midsingles have more ways to come together than ever before.
Currently, there
are over 150 different Facebook groups dedicated to connecting
midsingles in all regions of the country and world, such as Get Out! LDS
Singles, which has over 2,200 members. Nearly every state in the United
States has a midsingles Facebook page.
There are also
conferences that allow midsingles from around the country to flock
together in a more literal way. One of the most famous is the Huntington
Beach Midsingles Conference.
The 2012 line-up
of events for the weekend included beach volleyball, surfing, dancing,
bowling, hot air balloon rides, and motivational speakers flown in to
edify and uplift the crowd. It’s no wonder this six-year ritual is
continuing strong and being replicated all over the country.
“I love all
midsingles activities, but there’s something about the church-sponsored
conferences that I really appreciate,” says Jeni Baird, the conference
committee chair. “Everybody walks away with something. Whether it’s
meeting someone new or a toolbox of tips and tricks to be a more
attractive person or strengthening their testimony, everybody leaves
feeling enhanced.”
And what did Larry Cluff of Salt Lake City plan to walk away with? “Phone numbers,” he laughs. “Lots of phone numbers.”
Finding Their Place Now
Despite
the fact that the midsingle population of the Church is often regarded
as high risk, those members have also been referred to as the strength
of their wards. “The truth is, the leadership in our magnet ward was 85
to 90 percent midsingles,” Lang says. “Those were our best choices. They
were the most experienced, mature, established, and respected. The
Huntington Beach 1st Ward became the strongest ward in the stake because
of the midsingles. They are huge asset to any ward they are in.”
“Midsingles just
want to be viewed as contributing members,” Rex concludes. “Marriage is
in the Lord’s time. Whatever age you are, stay positive and focus on
what you need to do. Single or married, everyone has different
challenges. We just need to put our focus forward.”
by dauser » Mon Oct 07, 2013 11:36 pm 
