Two Thoughtful Articles on LDS Singles

--  thanks to Sheryl Reeder and Moroni Leash for sharing these

I'm aging out of my Mormon singles ward and I feel like a failure
By Angela Trusty, For the Deseret News

Published: Tuesday, Nov. 12 2013 8:45 a.m. MST

 

Dear Angela,

In the next month I'll be leaving my singles ward for a family ward. I'm turning 31 and officially "aging out" of my current congregation. I'm writing because I really feel like a failure. I had more than a decade to get married and "graduate" properly from my singles ward and with only a few dates and lots of awkward social activities, it just didn't happen for me. I'm developing a really negative attitude about religion in general and I know that it stems from being single in a church full of married people but knowing that doesn't change my feelings. How can I keep going to church when I feel so bad about all of this relationship stuff and it seems to be exacerbated when I'm there?

Make sense?

Aged out guy

 

Dear Aged out guy,

I can really empathize with how you're feeling, I think a lot of people can.

We had a Sunday meeting a few weeks ago where a speaker said to our LDS Church singles congregation, "The only thing you need to be focusing on is marriage and getting married." Right after he said that my friend leaned over to me and half-jokingly said, "What about Jesus Christ?" We both kind of chuckled, but then I thought about that all day. How much of our single person focus should be directed towards getting married? And just like you've described above, what happens when and if that focus starts to make you feel bad?

I don't know the full answer but I can think of a few ingredients: perspective, patience, hope, testimony — to name a few. These are thoughts and studies that have helped me when I feel overwhelmed with feelings of not having something, whatever that something may be.

What I do know, however, is that you aren't a failure just because you haven’t gotten married within a short and specific time period. In fact, as Elder Jeffrey R. Holland pointed out, “The Prophet Joseph Smith once declared that all things ‘which pertain to our religion are only appendages’ to the Atonement of Jesus Christ.”

Focusing on the reality of a Savior and making Sunday worship about strengthening your relationship with him can begin to soothe whatever ails you. I would start there, I know this isn’t a perfect answer but I hope it helps.

Love,

Angela

Readers: What would you add to the discussion above? How have you made moving from a singles ward to a family ward a positive experience?

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READER COMMENTS (at least the better ones! I did pull a few :)

 

SLC, UT

From the words of a song, "Don't give up. You are loved." Finding love and marriage after 31+ does happen. In the meantime, continue to work on your relationship with the Lord. He is always there. In the words of another song, "He will not fail you."
7:30 a.m. Nov. 12, 2013
Like (3)

joe5

South Jordan, UT

Great advice from Angela: "Focusing on the reality of a Savior and making Sunday worship about strengthening your relationship with him can begin to soothe whatever ails you. I would start there, I know this isn’t a perfect answer but I hope it helps."

I'm not sure why I'm even posting since Angela provided the answer. Your current martial status is not the issue. Your relationship with Christ is the issue. I don't mean that to sound judgmental. What I'm trying to say is that you have followed the straight and narrow path and clung to the iron rod until you were able to partake of the tree. Now that you are there, NEVER LEAVE THE TREE. And the tree is Christ.

Joseph Smith taught that, in order to have faith sufficient for salvation, we must have faith in the justice of God (among other characteristics). Believing in the justice of God means we believe he will ultimately make all things right. It may take a lifetime or more but I believe that applies to each of us as individuals.

Be faithful and cast your burden on Him. That will give you peace.
9:22 a.m. Nov. 12, 2013
Like (4)

 

elsmere241

Elsmere, DE

I married at 31 myself. I fled a student singles ward masquerading as a YSA ward when I was 26. And in the next three years I lived in two other wards in that stake. I was membership clerk in both of them, so clearly I wasn't considered a "lesser member" there. But I heard plenty of biting comments along the way - some members even implied I was gay, or wasn't "doing my duty". The time between mission and marriage for me seemed like ten years in the proverbial wilderness.
9:28 a.m. Nov. 12, 2013
Like (2)

nmjim

SANDIA PARK, NM

It IS difficult to feel at home and welcome in a church that seems full of smiling married folks... but you need to remember: Of the adult membership of the Church, a MAJORITY are single. Often few of them come to Church regularly, for obvious reasons. I encourage you to be actively involved in both your family ward where you live AND with the Single Adult groups in your area. If they are not well organized, YOU can become a 'spark plug' to shake things up and make them more fun and interesting. If YOU attend all available Single Adult activities, and you are not a control freak, as a single male you will help others to participate.
Every ward and branch have adult singles both visible and invisible. YOU are not the only one, and if you do your best you will obtain the best, both in your love life and otherwise.
9:35 a.m. Nov. 12, 2013
Like (3)

 

Lindsayp

San Diego, CA

The moment that I decided to stop looking for a partner, is when I found my husband, we married at the age of 33. I would look for activities for singles in your community with things you like to do, examples are hiking groups, biking groups, walking groups, reading groups, etc. I am not sure what you like to do, so you just have to google that. Leave it in Gods hands, He has a plan for you and sometimes His plans take longer than what we would like.
10:05 a.m. Nov. 12, 2013
Like (3)

caf

Bountiful, UT

We have heard so very many times over the pulpit during General Conference that those who are single, who have not had the opportunity to marry in this life*, will not have the blessings of marriage and family withheld in the next life. *Now for the asterisk, living a Christ-centered life, making and KEEPING covenants, and striving to become your best self is required. Those of us who have married but are not living as we should, unless we repent, will not have the ultimate blessings of the Gospel for eternity. We are all in the same boat for our personal salvation although the size, shape, and speed of the boat is unique to our circumstances. But ALL of us can journey with the Lord if we choose to.
10:27 a.m. Nov. 12, 2013
Like (2)

 

christinemb

Washington, DC

Coming from similar experiences, with what felt like hundreds of talks saying that the only thing I needed to focus on was getting married (really bad advice), I sympathize with "Aged out guy".
When I transitioned out of a singles ward, I was ready to be in a ward where my marital status wasn't the focus. I moved out of Utah, found a small family ward I felt was a good fit and have been happy ever since. Side note, quite a few marriages happened among singles in my ward.
Not everyone finds their true love in a singles ward. Many do, but the reality today is that a majority of LDS singles will "age out" of singles wards, and join family or single adult focused wards. It's happening more and more, and the church recognizes it.
From one single to another, try to cut yourself some slack. Remember, some things happen on the Lord's timeline. It doesn't mean you're a failure, just that it hasn't happened yet. Please try to get involved with your ward and stake activities single or not. Live your life, choose happiness, and you will attract someone like minded.
10:31 a.m. Nov. 12, 2013
Like (3)

 

Lasvegaspam

Henderson, NV

"The Church is designed to nourish the imperfect, the struggling, and the exhausted. It is filled with people who desire with all their heart to keep the commandments, even if they haven't mastered them yet. Some might say, 'I know a member of your Church who is a hypocrite. I could never join a church that had someone like him as a member.' If you define hypocrite as someone who fails to live up perfectly to what he or she believes, then we are all hypocrites. None of us is quite as Christlike as we know we should be. But we earnestly desire to overcome our faults and the tendency to sin. With our heart and soul we yearn to become better with the help of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. If these are your desires, then regardless of your circumstances, your personal history, or the strength of your testimony, there is room for you in this Church. Come, join with us!" - President Dieter F. Uchtdorf

It is all about our Savior. I encourage you to move forward with these thoughts in mind. Much love to you, my brother.
10:40 a.m. Nov. 12, 2013
Like (3)

bek1106

SLC, UT

Just have a little faith. When I aged out of the YSA ward I went to the family ward and it was the best experience. I was called as RS President, I was always treated with the upmost respect and they loved me. My testimony was strengthened in the Savior and after the singles ward it was what I needed, a renewed focus on the Savior and an opportunity to forget myself. In the midst of this service (and not even looking) I met my husband-- in the family ward. When I left the singles ward I felt much of the same things but I knew that Heavenly Father had a plan for me and I needed to trust him..."aging out" was the best thing that ever happened to me.
10:45 a.m. Nov. 12, 2013
Like (4)

 

BYU Fan in DC

Washington, DC

From someone who aged out, I suggest attending a family ward where you are needed and getting involved in your calling as much as you can. Singles ward callings are often superficial and do not require that much work. However, family wards need more heavy-lifting especially with programs for youth, young children, new members, etc.

If you attend a family ward and get a meaningful calling like I did, you may still attend singles events. The best part, people will not know who you all that well, but may remember you from when you attended there ward. And when they learn that you go to a family ward and have some cool calling with primary, youth, etc... they will be interested. Personally, being mysterious to the opposite sex can often lead to the right girl or guy being interested.
11:04 a.m. Nov. 12, 2013
Like (2)

 

UtahMountains

Provo, UT

As a 33-year-old single, I get it. I get the feeling of not fitting into a family ward, and the awkward pauses when you try to have a conversation about something other than raising children. While I can't speak for Aged Out Guy, I can speak for myself and some things I have learned from my own experience:
1. Understand that God has an individual plan for you, and this plan probably won't look like someone else's plan. It's okay if it doesn't look the same as others' plans. If you feel like you're doing what you can to further your own salvation, you're in the right place--even if it isn't what you or others see as the ideal situation.
2. Find a niche in your ward. I found my place in Primary to be a great blessing. Children are so loving and nonjudgmental.
3. Know that God loves you, and that His love is individual. If you seek God's guidance, He will lead you to where you can perform His work. Everything else will fall into place, regardless of marital status.
11:10 a.m. Nov. 12, 2013
Like (2)

 

Susan in VA

Alexandria, VA

When we first joined the Church my daughter was in her early 20s and she hated the singles ward for just that reason. Rather than leave the Church, which she truly believed in, she joined our family ward.... and she did marry. She hated that the central theme in the singles ward was "match making" and she wanted to concentrate on the Gospel. Aged out Guy may actually be happier in a family ward and find the love of his life because of it.
11:13 a.m. Nov. 12, 2013
Like (4)

 

RBN

Salt Lake City, UT

We love the singles in our ward. They make such a great contribution, and are absolutely vital to our ward family. I know that it's hard to be an older single (I was one, too), but the opportunities to serve and love are expanded in a non-YSA ward. Serving and loving bring us closer to God, and bring us happiness. BTW, most non-YSA wards are filled with beautiful, intelligent, and engaging single women. Ours is.
11:32 a.m. Nov. 12, 2013
Like (2) 

 

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The Midsingles Phenomenon in the LDS Church
http://www.ldsliving.com/story/69313-the-midsingles-phenomenon-in-the-lds-church
Cathy Geigle - July 17, 2012

 

Mormon midsingles - singles ages 31 to 45 - are a new and growing demographic in the Church, with a new and unique set of circumstances, challenges, and needs. They no longer fit in the traditional singles ward, but family wards can be difficult, too. What is a midsingle to do?

 

“The thing about the midsingles program,” says Bishop Steve Lang, “is that these people, our friends, our brothers and sisters, they go to church, they go on missions, they keep themselves worthy, unbelievably so. They do everything they are supposed to do, and they are in this crazy world with all this temptation around them. But once they hit 31, if they haven’t been able to find their mate, then [they’re asked to leave] their [singles] ward.”

And, he says, leaving their ward can often be a very painful process for singles, many of whom feel ostracized.

Adam Loughran is the bishop of the Huntington Beach 1st Ward, a magnet ward (a family ward for midsingles), and he says that from a cultural standpoint, the strong focus on families can make it difficult and uncomfortable for many midsingles who haven‘t been able to reach that goal, often driving them away.

The State of the Single Life
Matt Campbell is the regional representative for the Orange County singles/midsingles committee, which comprises 16 stakes in Orange County. Many single members, upon turning 31 and having to leave their young single adult ward, go inactive by the time they are 34, he says. “In each stake [in Orange County] there are on average 250–600 thirty-something midsingles, yet only a handful are active, often sitting alone in a family ward.”

Because midsingles make up those ages 31 to 45 who have never been married, in addition to those who are divorced and widowed, as much as Church leaders are anxious to help, there isn’t really a clear-cut answer. Typically, midsingles have three options following graduation from a YSA ward: a family ward, midsingles ward, or the latest buzz word, the magnet ward.

The Family Ward
For Farrah Walker of Los Angeles, she landed in a family ward because it happened to meet across the street from her place of employment. Unfortunately, she felt so uncomfortable, she didn’t want to return. “People would ask me why I was there. ‘Don’t you know there’s a singles ward?’ they would say. After a few weeks of this, I just couldn’t bring myself to go in anymore. I would drive to church and then just sit in the parking lot.”

But Walker didn’t give up, and the next time around things went better. “I love my family ward now,” she says. The difference? “People connect with me based on common interests and ideas, they treat me  like anyone else, rather than focusing on my marital status. It’s ‘I loved your comment in Relief Society,’ not, ‘Hey, why aren’t you in the singles ward?’’

The Midsingles Ward
Option number two for a graduating single is a midsingles ward, the same thing as a regular singles ward but for those aged 31–45. For Rod Rex of Salt Lake City, this was the logical choice when he turned 31. But after going to the three-hour block, he vowed never to return. “I was the baby. I had just turned 31 and I was surrounded by so many people who had been married before and were much older than I was. I just didn’t feel comfortable.”

For others, it’s not the age that’s the problem, but their children: they’re not allowed. For those who do have children, it’s difficult to make arrangements to attend one ward themselves while their children attend a regular family ward.

The Magnet Ward
A magnet ward is a family ward that all the midsingles in the stake congregate to, so they not only have the opportunity to be with other midsingles, but they are also integrated into the ward by having family ward callings, which helps keep a family perspective in a non-threatening way. The only difference in their Sunday schedule is a Sunday school class twice a month just for midsingles, so they can connect. Other than that, they are treated just like everyone else, and that’s the way they like it.

“There’s that sense of belonging and being needed and wanted,” says Loughran. “Every week I hear the same thing: ‘Bishop, if it wasn’t for this ward, I don’t know if I’d be an active member.’”

Now, eight years later, there are 18 magnet wards in the country and counting.

Because of their growing popularity, Campbell put together a website, midsingles.wordpress.com, to explain how to create a magnet ward, discuss frequently asked questions, and list current Facebook groups and midsingles activities.

Connecting Beyond the Ward
In places where a magnet or midsingles ward may not be possible—or for those who want a little extra help—hope is not lost for midsingles who are looking for other ways to connect. With the onslaught of social media, midsingles have more ways to come together than ever before.

Currently, there are over 150 different Facebook groups dedicated to connecting midsingles in all regions of the country and world, such as Get Out! LDS Singles, which has over 2,200 members. Nearly every state in the United States has a midsingles Facebook page.

There are also conferences that allow midsingles from around the country to flock together in a more literal way. One of the most famous is the Huntington Beach Midsingles Conference.

The 2012 line-up of events for the weekend included beach volleyball, surfing, dancing, bowling, hot air balloon rides, and motivational speakers flown in to edify and uplift the crowd. It’s no wonder this six-year ritual is continuing strong and being replicated all over the country.

“I love all midsingles activities, but there’s something about the church-sponsored conferences that I really appreciate,” says Jeni Baird, the conference committee chair. “Everybody walks away with something. Whether it’s meeting someone new or a toolbox of tips and tricks to be a more attractive person or strengthening their testimony, everybody leaves feeling enhanced.”

And what did Larry Cluff of Salt Lake City plan to walk away with? “Phone numbers,” he laughs. “Lots of phone numbers.”

Finding Their Place Now
Despite the fact that the midsingle population of the Church is often regarded as high risk, those members have also been referred to as the strength of their wards. “The truth is, the leadership in our magnet ward was 85 to 90 percent midsingles,” Lang says. “Those were our best choices. They were the most experienced, mature, established, and respected. The Huntington Beach 1st Ward became the strongest ward in the stake because of the midsingles. They are huge asset to any ward they are in.”

“Midsingles just want to be viewed as contributing members,” Rex concludes. “Marriage is in the Lord’s time. Whatever age you are, stay positive and focus on what you need to do. Single or married, everyone has different challenges. We just need to put our focus forward.”